Angelica Panganiban has never been one to hold back, and her recent appearance in Alyssa Valdez's vlog was no exception. What started as a conversation about motherhood and drinking turned into one of her most candid reflections yet on the emotional cost of being at the top of her career.
Alyssa asked Angelica what line she would change from one of her iconic films, among them One More Try, where she starred alongside Angel Locsin, Dingdong Dantes, and Zanjoe Marudo. Angelica's character Jacqueline delivers the line: "I can be a sexy wife sa umaga and a dirty mistress sa gabi."
Angelica said she wouldn't change a word, prompting Alyssa to joke she expected something more mom-coded.
Angelica quipped: "Hindi. 'Di ba pwede namang 'I can be a mother sa umaga then I can be an alcoholic sa gabi.'"
She then opened up about drinking as a way to decompress after long days on set.
"Isang baso lang naman ng wine ang gusto kong matikman tonight. Makakatulog ka na. Tapos mapapaisip ka na lang, 'Kailan ako huling uminom?' Ang sarap pala niya. Nakakapag-perform ka kasi ng maayos eh," she said.
These days, she drinks far less. With a quieter life away from showbiz, the stress that once drove the habit has faded.
"Siguro nawala 'yung drinking kasi wala rin akong stress," she said.
Angelica pushed back against the public tendency to dismiss celebrities who turn to alcohol or substances, arguing that actors absorb emotional extremes that most people never have to process.
"Parang sa isang eksena namatayan kami. Tapos sa susunod na eksena, sobrang saya namin. Tapos 'yung susunod na eksena na-molestya kami. So uuwi ka ng bahay, ang dami ng nangyari sayo mentally. Hindi ka talaga nakakatulog," she said.
She said this inability to decompress is behind many cases of celebrity addiction.
"Kaya may mga nagiging adik, na-re-rehab, nasisira 'yung buhay nila. Kasi hindi nila alam kung paano i-numb 'yung sarili nila pag-uwi nila ng bahay. Para siyang black hole, pag pinasok mo 'yun, pwede ka niyang higupin, ta's magiging masamang tao ka na lang din," she said.
Around 2009 to 2010, Angelica was simultaneously taping Rubi, filming I Love You Goodbye with Gabby Concepcion, Kim Chiu, and Derek Ramsay, doing Banana Sundae, appearing on ASAP, and taking on multiple endorsements.
In the middle of taping a comedy show, she broke down in front of best friend and colleague John Prats.
"Sino mag-aakala na may chance ka at makakaramdam ka nang depression or ng kaguluhan sa isip mo habang surrounded ka ng masasayahing tao. Pero wala eh, nangyari lang talaga siya," she recalled.
"Sabi ko kay John, 'Hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko.' Ang dami kong ginagawa tapos napo-portray ko ang sarili ko with flying colors. Pero si Angelica, wala na siya. Nasa'n siya? Iyak ako nang iyak."
She and John have since laughed about it, but she acknowledges how heavy it was at the time.
"Ang heavy nun ah, para sa isang 24 or 22 years old na dalaga, tapos lost ka, hindi mo na alam ang identity mo," she said.
Angelica said she wanted therapy at the time, but was discouraged by the stigma.
"Noon, kapag sinabi mong you need help, sasabihin ng mga tao baliw ka, maluwag na 'yung turnilyo sa utak mo, kaya mo 'yan, toughen up. So naalala ko nung nanghingi ako ng ganu'ng help, ganu'n 'yung binalik sa akin," she said.
She eventually got through it without professional help, though she does not frame that as something to be proud of.
All of this was happening at what appeared to be the peak of her career, with endorsements, international shoots, and maximum visibility. Yet she remembers feeling hollow.
"Ah eto na pala 'yun? Ito na 'yung success? Mula pagkabata ko, pinangarap ko, pinaghirapan ko. Bakit hindi ka happy? Happy ka, pero bakit parang may kulang," she recalled.
She has since concluded that the career was never the core of what she truly wanted. Her family is.
"Hindi pala doon umikot ang mundo mo," she said.
However, she remains grateful for the work, but is no longer surprised that it wasn't enough on its own.
"Nagulat lang ako na 'yun pala siya," she said.
—by Paolo Lim